I confess what happened the second time I gave in

I’m going to confess something I still can’t quite believe myself, and I’m doing it because writing it down is the only way I have to sort out what happened. As I told you in the previous one, after that first time with Bruno I was left with a strange unease, a mix of guilt and wanting that wouldn’t go away. I promised myself it would not happen again. But there are promises you make knowing in advance you’re not going to keep them.

The sign that something had broken in me came one night with Diego, my boyfriend. We were in bed, I was about to finish, and I let slip a phrase I shouldn’t have said. Something about wanting more, about feeling open in a way he didn’t know. Diego stopped dead.

—Where did you get that from? —he asked, baffled—. You never talk to me like that.

I told him the first thing that came to mind: that it was because of how big he was, that he filled me completely. He laughed, liked the compliment, and kept going. But I went cold inside. I was thinking of someone else while I was with him.

***

Diego is part of the athletics team, so soon after he told me he was traveling to Portugal for some trials and would take the opportunity to visit some relatives as well. He figured he’d be away twenty to thirty days. I took it calmly, told him we’d stay in touch, to take care of his knee, all those things you say. I saw him off at the door with a long hug, convinced that month would help me get centered again.

I lasted fifteen days.

At first I kept myself busy: work, the gym, friends. But my body had a different schedule. And just when I was at my worst, I got a message from Bruno asking how I was, whether I wanted to go out with the group or grab a drink. He said he was going by with his sister to pick up some things at Tomás’s place, a friend of Diego’s, and that he could bring them over to me on the way. I told him no, of course. He insisted. Since I was just on my way to my boyfriend’s apartment, I ended up telling him we could meet there to hand the things to his sister. I wrote to Tomás to confirm the package thing was true, and he said yes. Only then did I agree.

Bruno came alone. No sister, no one. I let him in anyway, we chatted for a while, but he couldn’t take his eyes off my neckline.

—What are you staring at, idiot? —I said.

—At you, obviously —he answered without blinking—. And on top of that you come wearing that blouse and that skirt. It looks way too good on you, Camila, it’s not fair.

I thanked him for the compliment and told him I was going to get the box with his stuff. When I bent down to pick it up, I felt his hands from behind, on my breasts, squeezing them slowly. My whole skin prickled and I closed my eyes for a second before reacting.

—Bruno, please —I asked—. We already talked about this.

—I know, and look, I respected everything you told me. But answer me one thing: do you really want me to leave right now? I will, tell me and I’ll go.

I stayed quiet. And my silence said more than any words could. Fifteen days without touching anyone, with him standing in front of me, was too much. I didn’t leave, I didn’t throw him out. I let it happen.

I’m not going to get into every detail of that afternoon, because my confession isn’t really about that, but about what came after. Long story short: we did it with more urgency than tenderness, two bodies finding each other again. That time it was vaginal; I wasn’t ready for more yet. I came twice and so did he.

***

What unsettled me came with the after-dinner conversation. Lying back, Bruno started telling me about the get-togethers they’d have among cousins and friends in that very house. Parties that ended with one or two girls and all of them. He said it the way someone comments on the weather. I didn’t ask whether Diego took part; something told me I didn’t want to know. But I got an absurd kind of turn-on imagining myself at the center of something like that.

—My brothers and cousins talked about you —Bruno blurted out—. They all want you. But they’re respectful, they know you’re Diego’s girlfriend.

—Oh, really? —I said, pretending I found it funny—. And what do you think when they say that?

—I act clueless so nobody gets suspicious. But the truth is I’d love to see you with them.

I told him he was crazy, that it was impossible. That I was his cousin’s girlfriend, that anyone could open their mouth, that it would turn into a scandal and everything would end badly. The conversation ended there. Or so I thought.

Two days later I met him again. And two days after that, too. Every time we saw each other, Bruno came back to the subject, testing me, dropping a new comment, telling me that his brother had said those things were private, that nobody had any reason to find out. I kept saying no, but each refusal came out a little weaker than the last.

—It would turn me on to see you surrounded by them —he confessed one afternoon—. Seeing you enjoy it.

—You’re sick —I said, laughing—. You’d like to see me with my eyes rolled back, wouldn’t you, you pervert?

—If you put it that way... yes.

The worst part is that while I was denying it, I was already imagining it.

***

There was just over a week left before Diego came back. And instead of stopping, I had gotten myself into a fantasy I didn’t know how to get out of. I thought about it at any hour, on the subway, while cooking, before going to sleep. Until one day I wrote to Bruno and told him yes. That I wanted to try it, just once.

We made plans at Diego’s house, one evening that was turning into night. Bruno asked me to wear something special. I chose a mesh bodysuit that showed everything, tucked it under a blouse and a skirt, and promised myself this would be the last madness before my boyfriend came back and everything went back to normal.

There were three of them. Bruno, his brother Andrés, and his cousin Lucas. When I opened the door for them, they seemed nervous, almost shy, surprised that I had actually agreed. They sat down in the living room and started throwing clumsy compliments at me. Bruno stayed on the sidelines, quiet, hiding his role. I realized that if I didn’t make the first move, none of them would dare.

—Well, boys —I said—. Bruno told me you want me. And honestly, I’m in the mood today. What do you say?

Andrés laughed, awkwardly.

—You’re gorgeous, Camila. My cousin hit the jackpot.

—And you, Lucas? —I asked—. What would you do?

—Everything —he answered, his voice tight—. Everything.

***

The ice broke all at once. I went to Lucas first, because he was the one I was most curious about, and started touching him over his clothes. Andrés joined in from the other side. Bruno kept watching, expectant, holding himself back so he wouldn’t give away that he and I already knew each other from before.

They took off my blouse and revealed the mesh bodysuit. The reaction from the three of them was worth all the wait. I knelt between them and serviced them one by one, taking turns, while they caressed my back and breasts over the stretchy fabric. I’d been practicing with Diego for a while, so I was able to go further than I ever had before. Lucas held my head gently, without forcing me, moaning every time I looked him in the eyes.

—Like that, slowly —he murmured—. You’re incredible at this.

We moved to the bedroom. They laid me down and Andrés lowered himself between my legs while Bruno and Lucas took care of the rest. I was so tight that it was difficult at first; my body went at its own pace, not theirs. Andrés was patient, took it little by little, and when I finally gave in, I was already moaning without even trying to hide it.

—Do you like it? —Bruno asked me in my ear.

—Yes —was all I could say—. Yes, I love it.

***

What followed was a long hour in which I lost count of how many times I came. They took turns, one went in, another came out, they changed positions, they made me turn over. There was a moment when I got on top of Lucas with my back to him and, while he held my hips, the other two surrounded me. I felt control slipping completely out of my hands. I no longer thought about Diego, or Tomás, or the consequences. There was only that room.

—You’re insane —Andrés panted—. How you tighten up.

I came so many times that at one point my legs started trembling on their own. I asked them to stop for a second, laughed breathlessly, and immediately asked for more. Bruno was the first to finish, in my mouth; I left him clean, with no trace. Andrés came next, on my face and neck. Lucas, the one I liked the most, was the last, and when he was done I stayed with him a little longer, not wanting to let him go, surprised by myself.

They left one by one. I stayed sprawled on the bed, sore, exhausted, staring at the ceiling. Part of me was at peace, satisfied in a way I didn’t know before. The other part was already doing the math and feeling the weight of what I had done.

***

Three days passed. Diego was due back soon and I should have closed the chapter. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Lucas. He had stayed spinning around in my head, the way he looked at me, the way he touched me without rushing. I sent him a message, at first under the pretense of saying hi.

—Honestly, I kept thinking about you —I finally wrote.

—Me too —he answered almost instantly—. I didn’t say anything before because of my cousin, you know.

—I understand. But I still wanted to tell you.

—Could we do it again? —he asked boldly—. With a woman like you, I’m more than willing.

We met that same day, this time at my apartment, just the two of us. I won’t give details. I’ll only say that that afternoon I confirmed that with him it was different, slower, more deliberate, less urgency and more desire. It was the first time I felt I wasn’t putting out a need, but choosing someone.

***

And here I am, confessing all this. If I stop to think about what happened in a single month, I struggle to recognize myself. From resisting with guilt I went to having Diego, Bruno, and Lucas, and organizing my days so none of them would run into the others. I know it’s only a matter of time, that sooner or later the bomb is going to blow and my boyfriend is going to find out. I know it and even so I don’t stop.

I’m not going to keep telling every encounter, because it would get repetitive and that’s not the point. I wanted to leave this point on record, this exact moment when I realized what I had become without ever fully deciding it. Thanks for reading me. A kiss to all of you who made it this far.