I Tried My New Toy in the Middle of the Supermarket

It was two in the morning and I had just closed the last notebook for the end of the week. I wasn’t sleepy, just that strange kind of tired you get after studying for too many hours straight and needing to unplug before you can fall asleep. I flopped onto the bed, waited for my body to warm the sheets, and stayed there, comfortable, wearing an oversized T-shirt with nothing underneath and black shorts that were practically the only thing I had on.

Bored, I scrolled through videos on my phone without paying much attention. Until one popped up that really grabbed me. A couple on the street, her walking through the crowd with a tight smile, him staring at his phone screen with a mischievous look on his face. At some point he turned something on in an app and her knees went weak right there on the sidewalk. She had to lean against a wall to keep from falling.

I can’t really explain what happened to me. The skin on my arms prickled, and I replayed the video two, three times. He was controlling a small toy she was wearing, from a distance, like he had a secret switch over her body. I stayed staring at the ceiling for a long while with a new idea settling somewhere in my head.

I want to feel that.

***

A few days later I bought it. I didn’t have it sent home: I asked to pick it up at a drop-off point so my mother wouldn’t find it before I did and launch into her usual conservative sermon. Fantasies are mine, and I don’t owe anyone any explanations. Even so, as I went to pick up the package, nerves climbed up my stomach as if I were collecting something illegal and not a toy the size of my thumb.

It was a mix of fear and excitement, a bittersweet taste that sped up my pulse and, to my surprise, I loved it. I sat alone on a bench in the square and, after glancing around out of pure reflex, I opened the box. There it was. Small, in a smooth, pleasing shape, and I even liked the color. I felt something like the thrill of childhood when I unwrapped a new toy, only this time the thrill was a different kind and went straight down between my legs.

I went home almost running. I headed straight into the bathroom, read the last step of the instructions, and carefully put it on. It wasn’t anything spectacular yet, just a presence, a sensation only a little more intense than a finger. The fun, I figured, would come later. I paired the toy with the phone app, tested that it responded, and smiled at myself in the mirror. I had it under control. Or so I thought.

***

I got dressed to go out. A loose skirt, sandals, my hair tied up. I wanted to relive that video, even if I was missing the boyfriend handling the screen. I didn’t need him anyway: the phone was mine, the decision was mine, and I liked that part even more. I chose the big supermarket downtown, the one with long aisles and white lights, where you could wander around without anyone really noticing you.

Once inside, with the empty cart in front of me, I opened the app. I set it to the lowest level and turned it on. A warm tingle started to rise, pleasant, distant. I walked between the shelves pretending to be interested in things I didn’t plan to buy. Ten minutes like that, and honestly I started to feel a little disappointed. More false advertising, I thought. In the video the girl was falling apart; I barely noticed a nice little buzz and nothing more.

And yet there was something in knowing I was wearing it. Every person I passed was completely oblivious to my secret. The woman comparing yerba prices, the man in an apron stocking bottles, the boy dragging his feet behind his mother. None of them knew that the girl in the loose skirt walking past them had a switch hidden between her legs. That idea, more than the vibration itself, was what had my pulse racing.

Just before turning it off and heading back to the exit, I did something I hadn’t planned. I opened the app again and, almost on a whim, slid the control all the way up. What the hell, I told myself, a couple more minutes and I’ll leave.

It was a miscalculation.

I was standing in front of a shelf of skin creams, reading labels without reading anything, when a rush of wetness suddenly appeared between my thighs. The tingling stopped being a tingle. It was a deep, constant vibration that gave me not a second’s respite, like my own fingers but without the mercy of ever stopping.

I crouched down a little, pretending to look at products on the lower shelves. In reality I was trying to hide my legs, which had started trembling on their own. A scorching heat climbed up from my pelvis, burned my stomach, traced my breasts with electric pinches, and ended by raising the hairs on my neck. I pressed my lips together. I breathed through my nose, slowly, counting.

—Are you all right? —said a voice beside me.

A woman was watching me, her head slightly tilted, her brow furrowed with concern. I gathered up whatever composure I had left and whispered that yes, I was fine, I just had a bit of low blood pressure. I didn’t dare speak any louder. I was afraid that if I let my voice out, my own mouth would betray me and let escape the moan I had trapped in my throat.

—Sit down for a bit if you want —she insisted.

—I’m better already, thanks —I lied, smiling a little to one side.

The woman hesitated, but finally walked away with her cart. I had no idea and didn’t care whether she had realized what was really happening to me. I was too busy swimming in my own fantasy made real, with my heart pounding against my chest and the toy throbbing relentlessly between my legs.

***

I had to pay before it was too late. I never handled orgasms especially well, and I definitely couldn’t imagine having one standing up, in public, in front of strangers. Every step toward the checkout gave me a shiver. I felt warm threads slipping out of me, my underwear stuck to me, my knees weak. I walked with fake elegance, my back straight, while everything inside me was coming apart.

I reached the line. I put two or three things I had grabbed at random onto the belt, without even looking at them. I told myself it was a matter of one minute, of lowering the level and walking out like nothing had happened. I pulled out my phone with a trembling hand, opened the app, and went to turn the control down.

The screen froze.

The app locked up, the slider stuck at maximum, and the vibration didn’t let up even a little. I hit the phone’s power button, turned it back on, nothing. The toy kept devouring me from the inside, with not the slightest intention of stopping. My nails sank into the fabric of my skirt, looking for something to hold on to. My legs could barely keep me up.

—Hi, is that everything? —the cashier asked, a young woman, as she scanned the codes.

I wanted to answer. I opened my mouth and what came out wasn’t a word. It was a short, choked moan, right in front of her, impossible to mistake for anything else. I felt my whole face burn.

The cashier looked up. Her eyes ran over me from head to toe, stopping on my legs, which I had practically crossed one over the other, tied up in a trembling knot. I saw the exact moment she understood. She didn’t say anything. She just drew a small, knowing smile and handed me the bag.

—Take it easy —she murmured, almost sweetly.

***

I walked toward the exit, clutching the bag to my chest. I didn’t get very far. A few meters from the doors, my body said enough. I crouched beside a column, pretending to adjust a sandal, and then it hit. The climax split me in two.

I squeezed my eyes shut and screamed silently, without a single sound coming out. It was as if time had frozen for a full second. My whole body was trembling, going numb and trembling again in thousandths of a second, over and over, wave upon wave. Part of me wanted it to stop; the other part prayed it would never end. And on top of all that, the awareness of being there, in public, surrounded by people, made it all reach an intensity I don’t have words for.

When I came back to the world, breathless and drained of strength, I lifted my head expecting to find dozens of accusing looks on me. There weren’t any. Everyone was busy with their own thing, pushing carts, looking at deals, completely oblivious to what had just happened to me a meter away. The satisfaction was double: for the pleasure and for the secret, still intact.

Only then, with clumsy fingers, did I manage to turn the toy off. The vibration died instantly and a huge sense of relief swept through my body. I stood up slowly, straightened my skirt, took a deep breath, and went back to being, on the outside, just a normal girl leaving the supermarket on an ordinary day.

Inside, it was something else. I walked toward the door half-soaked in my own fantasy, with a smile I couldn’t wipe away. Before crossing the threshold, I ran a finger through the wettest spot and brought it to my mouth, slowly, savoring the result of my whim.

Next time, I thought, I’m going to let it last a little longer.