The Night I Discovered How Much I Liked Being Watched

I had never confessed it to anyone in so many words, but the idea had been haunting me for years. I would watch videos of girls undressing in public places, in empty parks, in parking lots, and I felt a mix of shame and excitement that kept me awake at night. It wasn’t just the body. It was the idea that someone would see me and wouldn’t be able to look away.

It took me a long time to dare tell Damián. He and I had a comfortable arrangement: no feelings, no plans, just meeting whenever we both felt like it. That’s why I thought he was the right person. He wasn’t going to judge me and, if it worked out, we were both going to gain something.

—I want you to help me with something —I told him one afternoon, fiddling with the edge of my cup so I wouldn’t look him in the eye—. But don’t laugh.

—I’m not laughing —he replied, though he was already smiling.

I told him everything. How badly I wanted to undress where people could see me, the tingle of imagining other people’s eyes on me. I expected him to feel awkward. Instead, he kept thinking it over, nodded slowly, and set down a single condition.

—I’ll stay with you and take care of you all day —he said—. But at the end you let me finish you off. You’ll be so turned on you’ll need it just as much as I do.

I agreed before he had finished the sentence.

***

The plan started with something gentle. Damián suggested going to the movies, to the late showing, when the theater was almost empty. He told me the first time had to be in the dark, in a place where the risk was small and I could get used to the feeling.

—When the movie starts, you stand up and pull up your blouse —he explained in a low voice as we went up the carpeted stairs—. No one’s going to see you. But you’re going to know you did it.

We sat in the back row. There was a couple far below, and a couple of occupied seats in the middle. During the first few minutes I couldn’t focus on anything happening on the screen. My hands were cold and my heart was racing.

Then, without thinking too much about it, I started touching myself over my clothes. It was like something unlocked. The shame didn’t disappear, but it mixed with something stronger that pushed me forward.

I lifted myself a little off the seat, pulled up my blouse, and lowered my bra. The cold air of the theater brushed my skin and my whole body prickled. No one could see me, and even so the simple fact of being like that, exposed in the middle of the darkness, had me trembling.

Damián leaned toward me and spoke right into my ear.

—That’s how it has to be. How does it feel?

—Incredible —I whispered—. No one can see me and yet this is the most erotic thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I told him he’d been good and deserved a reward. I guided his head to my chest and let him kiss me while the movie kept playing in the background. It wasn’t just the pleasure of showing myself off. It was having him there, attentive, while I crossed a line I’d wanted to cross for years.

***

We left the cinema with flushed cheeks and a stupid smile I couldn’t shake. I thought the night would end there, but Damián had another idea. He said we needed to buy a couple of things and took me to a small shop, one of those that stays open late.

What I wasn’t expecting was to find two of his friends by the entrance. I stopped dead. Damián squeezed my hand to calm me down.

—They’re trustworthy —he said—. If you want, you can show them. If not, no problem and we’ll keep going.

I looked at them. They were looking at me, and the way their eyes dropped to my cleavage without any attempt to hide it made a tug twist in my stomach. There was no one else in the street. The light from a lamppost fell right over us.

It was different from the darkness of the cinema. Here there were faces, real eyes, people who would remember what they saw. And that, instead of stopping me, made me even hotter.

—So much looking —I told them with a smile I hadn’t known I had in me.

I lifted my blouse and lowered my bra. The two of them went silent for a second, as if they couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

—This is what we wanted to see —one of them said, his voice a little rough.

—Maybe another day I’ll let you have more —I replied, and pulled my clothes back down.

I found myself thinking that line had sounded brazen, almost vulgar. And I discovered I liked sounding that way. I liked the woman who appeared when I felt watched. Before we left, I let each of them touch one breast, quickly, so they wouldn’t be left with only the wanting. My skin burned where they’d brushed me.

***

With the street already emptier, Damián took me to a small neighborhood supermarket. We walked between the shelves to a secluded aisle, where neither the camera nor the cashier’s view reached.

—Here —he said in a low voice—. No one can see us.

I pulled up my blouse again, lowered my bra, and touched my breasts slowly, looking him in the eyes.

—Give me a quick lick —I asked.

He came closer, ran his tongue over me, and pulled back again, the two of us holding in our laughter at how absurd and exciting the situation was. I pulled my clothes back up and confessed something that had lodged itself in my head that night.

—I’d love to work in a place like this —I told him—. And sneak off to the stockroom with a coworker whenever I could.

—You like it that much? —he asked, amused.

—It’s the most erotic thing I’ve ever felt —I answered, and I meant it.

As I said it, my eyes drifted to the guy at the register. He was young, couldn’t have been much over twenty, and he was alone, absent-mindedly looking at his phone. I felt my heart thudding against my chest. Damián followed my gaze and immediately understood what I was thinking.

—You don’t dare —he challenged me in a low voice.

That sentence was all I needed.

***

I walked up to the counter with a candy in my hand, as if it were the only thing I was buying. The boy looked up and smiled at me with that automatic politeness of someone who has been behind a till for hours. I paid slowly, dragging out the moment.

—Do you have a girlfriend? —I asked, because I couldn’t think of a better opener.

—No —he replied, a little surprised—. Why?

—Will you keep a secret for me? —I said, lowering my voice.

I saw on his face that he thought I was about to tell him I liked him. What happened was better. With my blouse still on, I slipped my bra loose underneath, let it drop inside the sleeve, and, when I made sure no one was coming, I lifted my blouse for a moment in front of him.

—I’m really turned on —I told him—. Consider it a tip.

I pulled my clothes back down before he could fully react. The boy swallowed and let out a sigh that almost made me laugh.

—They’re so pretty —he murmured.

—I hope one day you get to taste them —I answered, and left the shop with trembling legs.

Outside, Damián was waiting for me leaning against the wall, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised.

—Did you do it? —he asked.

—I did —I said, breathless—. And I behaved terribly.

—And where to next? —he pressed, teasing me.

I shook my head. I was so aroused I could barely think.

—That’s enough for today —I told him—. Time to give you all your reward.

***

We got to his place with our hands everywhere before we’d even closed the door. In the elevator I had already slipped one strap down. As soon as we walked in, he pushed me against the hallway wall.

—Are you going to fuck me or do you want to finish sucking on my breasts first? —I asked, biting my lip.

—Both —he answered.

I was drenched just from hearing it. He undressed me slowly, without rushing, and started kissing my neck while I yanked his clothes off. He took me to the bed and spent a long while on my breasts alone, licking them, biting them softly, as if he wanted to erase the looks of everyone who had seen me that night and leave his own in their place.

—Don’t give this to anyone else —he told me, pinching one nipple between his fingers—. These are mine.

I wasn’t able to answer. I was too hot, too surrendered. I dug my nails into his back and told him to stop talking and keep going. When he finally pushed inside me, I arched my back and let out a moan I had been saving all night.

We fucked slowly at first, then with hunger, until we were both worn out. He held me from behind, still breathing hard, his breath on my nape.

—You’re the craziest thing I know —he murmured against my hair.

—And is that good or bad? —I asked.

—It’s very good —he answered, and I felt him smile.

***

I stayed a while longer in his bed, in silence, replaying everything I had done. I didn’t recognize the woman who had lifted her blouse in the cinema, in the street, in front of a cashier who would never see me again. And yet that woman was me. She had been hiding for years, and it only took one night and the right person to let her out.

When I got up to leave, Damián sat up and kissed each breast once, slowly, almost tenderly.

—Again? —he asked.

I didn’t have to think about it. I leaned in, kissed him on the mouth, and answered without words. I was already imagining where the next time would be.