The Night I Discovered My Body All by Myself

It all started because of a scene on television that should not have affected me so much. It was one of those midday soap operas, the kind my mother left on while she ironed, but that afternoon the script had turned more daring than usual. A guy had a blonde woman pinned against the wall, holding her wrists above her head and pressing into her with his whole body. The camera stayed on her face, on how she parted her lips and let out a moan that sounded too real for an afternoon soap.

I don’t know what happened to me. I felt a tug between my legs and, without thinking, I pressed them tightly together. It made things worse. A warm, soft, completely new contraction ran through me inside and left my cheeks burning. I glanced sideways at my mother, who was still ironing, unaware that her daughter had just discovered something in the middle of the living room.

The rest of the afternoon passed normally. I helped with whatever she asked, cleaned up the kitchen, set the table. But I couldn’t get that scene out of my head. It came back on its own, in the stupidest moments: while I rinsed a plate, while I climbed the stairs. And every time it came back, that tug came back with it.

I lived with my parents, with no siblings, in a house where my room was the only place that was really mine. I was twenty-one and in my second year of college, but in things like this I was still a complete novice. I had never touched myself. I had never been curious enough, or maybe I had never dared. That night was different.

It was past eight when I finished my homework and went up to my room. I closed the door, sat on the bed, and picked up my phone without really knowing what I was looking for. I opened the browser. The blank screen looked back at me as if it were waiting for a decision.

What if I do it? Just look. Nothing else.

I had heard the girls at college talk about a certain site, one of those everyone knows and no one admits to using. I typed the name with my heart beating harder than I wanted to admit. Nothing had even loaded yet and I was already feeling my crotch throb, a warm anticipation settling between my legs. What was I going to find? Would it be like I had imagined? Would it be good?

***

The page opened in an endless grid of thumbnails. There was so much to see that I froze, unable to choose. Then the scene from the afternoon came back to me: the wall, the wrists held fast, that moan. I typed into the search bar the first thing that came to mind to recreate that image and hit search. Dozens of results appeared. I chose the first one, almost without looking at it, just to stop myself from hesitating any longer.

The video started calmly. A couple was chatting on a sofa, too close together, with that tension of people who know what is about to happen. Then came the kisses, slow at first, then hungrier. He lifted her onto his lap and started to run his hands over her as if he didn’t have time to waste. I watched without blinking, with the phone resting on my knees and a sensation growing in my lower belly.

He pulled down her blouse and took it off. He moved his mouth down her neck, over her breasts, and the wet sound he made while sucking them sent an exact stab between my legs, as if part of me had responded on its own. The girl threw her head back. I pressed my thighs together again, this time on purpose.

When he laid her down on the sofa, knelt, and opened her legs, I could no longer keep still. Heat had risen all the way to my face. I yanked off my pajama pants and was left in just my underwear, sitting on the edge of the bed, the screen lighting me up in the darkness of the room.

In the video, he buried his face between her legs and licked from bottom to top. My body understood what I was seeing before my mind did. I wanted to feel that. I wanted a mouth there. I brought my hand to the fabric of my panties and started stroking myself over them, slowly, not really knowing what I was doing. I had never touched myself, but the mere brush of my own fingers over the cotton sent a warm tingle through me that made me hold my breath.

***

On the screen, he had switched from mouth to fingers and was stroking the top part, right where the girl began to move on her own. My hands wanted to copy the gesture. I took off the last garment and was left naked from the waist down. When I moved it aside, I noticed I was wet, much more than I had expected, and that was when I truly understood how turned on I was.

I ran my fingers from bottom to top, tracing every fold for the first time, discovering a texture and a sensitivity I hadn’t known in my own body. When I reached the entrance, a sigh escaped me on its own and I closed my eyes. The girl’s moans in the video grew louder, and each one seemed to pull on an invisible thread that ended right between my legs.

I want more. I want to know how far this goes.

Sitting wasn’t comfortable, so I let myself fall back onto the bed. I opened my legs as wide as I could, brought my fingers to my mouth to moisten them, and started the same motion again, this time more confidently. But my body wanted something specific. I moved a little higher, searching for that spot I had heard so much about and had never found. I didn’t know exactly what it looked like or where it was.

And then I found it.

A sharp pleasure shot through me the moment my fingertips brushed that small, throbbing place. “Here it is,” I thought, almost proudly, like someone solving a mystery that had been right in front of them their whole life. I focused all my attention there. I began to rub in circles, gently, and felt it warming under my fingers, each turn igniting a current that spread through my whole body.

In the video, the sounds of bodies colliding and her voice begging for more could already be heard. That only lit me up even more. “Ah… mm…” I let out without meaning to, surprised by the sound of my own voice. I felt a delicious burning, a need to keep going that had nothing to do with reason.

***

I changed technique almost by instinct. I used only one finger, my middle finger, and rubbed faster and harder. The sensation skyrocketed. A thick heat rose from my center to my chest, a pressure building and building without releasing. I rolled onto my side without stopping. “Aah,” I moaned when I pressed a little harder, and my feet drew together, searching for support against the mattress.

My moans began to fill the room. For a second I thought about my parents, on the other side of the hallway, but even that didn’t stop me. I only wanted more of what I was feeling. I opened my eyes and saw on the screen the girl riding astride, moving in circles, and something in that image gave me an idea.

I took my fingers away. I grabbed two pillows, stacked them in the center of the bed, and climbed on top of them, astride, just like her. The fabric rubbed exactly where I needed it and I let out a longer, deeper moan. I gave myself over to it. I started moving forward and back, then in circles, first one way and then the other, discovering with every sway a new angle of pleasure.

The friction was different from fingers, broader, more enveloping. I braced my hands on the bed and leaned in to press better. I started bouncing slowly, imagining something going in and out of me, setting a rhythm my body seemed to know even though I had never done this before. The moans from the video and mine mixed together in the dim light.

I moved faster. I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks, the burning concentrating in one single point, the pressure reaching a limit I hadn’t known existed. And suddenly everything exploded. A long, intense, uncontrollable moan ripped out of my throat as a wave swept through me from head to toe. My feet bent downward, my fingers cramped against the sheet, and for an instant I stopped thinking altogether.

Afterward, absolute calm. A warm peace spread through every muscle while I stayed still on the pillows, breathing deeply, my hair stuck to my forehead.

I had come. I had had my first orgasm, all by myself, and it had been much better than anything any television scene had ever led me to imagine.

***

I let myself fall onto my side on the bed and stayed there for a while, staring at the ceiling, with a silly smile I couldn’t control. The phone was still playing the video, but I didn’t need it anymore. I stopped it. I cleaned myself up calmly, picked up the pajama pants from the floor and put them on slowly, still with my body soft and my breathing slow.

I thought about that scene from the afternoon, about the tug I had felt in the living room without understanding what it was. Now I knew. And knowing changed everything. My own body had stopped being unknown territory and had become something of my own, a place I could return to whenever I wanted.

I crawled under the sheets, picked up the remote for the small TV in my room, and put on some random movie to fall asleep to. But before I closed my eyes, I already knew that this wouldn’t be the last time. Maybe later, if I don’t fall asleep, I’ll try again. And that thought alone made me smile again in the dark.