My Diary and the Summer I Found My First Orgasm

August 16.

Hi, diary. I haven’t written to you in months and the truth is there was nothing to tell. Yesterday I started my internship at San Vicente Hospital. I went in with my head full of hopes, ready to learn whatever I could, and I ran into a supervisor who left us stranded in the wards and never came back all afternoon. The nurses on shift send us to do anything and never even check whether we’re doing it right. I’m sure that if one day I left after signing in, nobody would notice. But, well, I have nowhere else to go, so I put up with it and watch what I can.

August 19.

Hello again. Today a guy came over. He’s an architecture intern. His name is Mateo, though everyone at the hospital calls him Teo. For someone who works with construction and blueprints, he dresses quite a bit better than many of the young doctors. He’d already looked at me last week when I passed by the cafeteria. He asked me what shift I’d been assigned tomorrow. We’ll see what happens.

August 27.

It’s been three straight internships and Teo barely even nods hello to me. I see him crossing the hallway and he acts busy. Other than that, boring as hell.

August 29.

Diary, they brought me cake for my birthday, but that wasn’t the best part. Teo showed up in the cafeteria just as I was blowing out the candles. Half joking, half serious, he told me that now that I was eighteen I could already go out partying with older people and do “grown-up things.” I have no idea what he meant, but when I left he asked me when we were going to have coffee. I’m going to hold him to it. I want to know what “things” that bastard was talking about.

September 3.

I got dressed up to go get that coffee. Just that, getting dressed up and coffee, nothing more. A coworker did the same thing and got caught because she had the awful idea of going back to the hospital so they’d see her. We talked it through and we’re going to take turns sneaking out, but without coming back, because that way they won’t catch us. Teo and I only talked for two hours. I warned him right away that under no circumstances could he show up anywhere near my house, that my parents would send me to a convent if they saw me with a boy. He laughed and told me all I had to do was give him a chance to keep doing “things” like this, going out for coffee, taking a walk. The part about the “things” still intrigues me. Haha.

September 13.

Diary, nothing much to report. I got the internship shift again. I wanted to convince him to go to the movies to see a horror film that had just come out, but none of the showtimes let me get home before nine. Teo told me he was going to get the disc from a friend who downloads them before the premiere. I hope he can.

September 22.

Diary, Teo kissed me! It wasn’t planned, or that’s what I want to believe. We went to his apartment to watch the movie, but it turned out the lying bastard lives alone. Honestly, I didn’t suspect a thing. I really was going to watch the damn movie and we didn’t even finish it. His place is tiny, more like a studio with a bathroom and a cramped little kitchen. There’s a bed and a couch in front of the TV, and that’s where we sat.

There wasn’t much of a preamble. We’d been watching for a while when he came closer and started kissing me. It was the most natural thing in the world. I think he’d been waiting weeks to do it. I’d kissed other guys before, at Diana’s party or behind the school field, but never in a closed place, where nobody could interrupt us.

It’s so different, diary. I felt this crazy urge to keep kissing him. And down there, in my parts, I felt something hot, swollen. As if it hurt, like an ache for somebody to do something to me there. But in a good way, a very good way. We were both breathing hard. I think he was hard, but I didn’t even want to look because I didn’t want to lose the feeling. When I realized it, the movie was halfway through and I didn’t even care. I left early anyway. I was too worked up to stay another minute. I’m going to think things through.

September 28.

Diary, I’m crazy. Before I even got to the hospital I’d already texted Teo, and as soon as I signed in I went straight to his apartment. This was what you’d really call making out. We were kissing for ages. He started holding me tight and, for the first time, I didn’t hold back: I pulled him on top of me.

Then his hands stopped staying still on my back. He stroked my arms, my shoulders, and went down to rest, without squeezing, on my ass. It all felt incredible, but the best part was noticing that hot, very wet feeling down below.

We talked for a long while, sitting very close together. I told him straight out that I didn’t want to have sex yet. That it wasn’t the time, that I was terrified of getting pregnant so young, that I wasn’t even twenty yet. He suggested we keep going like that, slowly, and explained there were lots of things we could do without any risk. I didn’t answer. I shut him up with a kiss instead, and this time I let him touch me more.

I could feel my lower lips wet, swollen, and I didn’t know what to do with that. He didn’t take off a single piece of clothing, but he kissed my chest over my T-shirt. I got this desperate urge to take it off. He slid one thigh between my legs. He wasn’t pressing, but I felt him right there and, without thinking, I started rubbing myself against him.

We stayed like that for what felt like forever. He kissed my cleavage and I let him, because every inch his mouth uncovered made me feel even better. Until the T-shirt gave way on one side and he pulled one breast out. The instant his lips closed around my nipple, a shiver ran from head to toe. I didn’t know what else to do but pull the whole shirt off. It was double-layered, one of those you wear without a bra, so I was naked from the waist up in a blink.

I grabbed his hair and pressed him against my chest. Teo stayed there, playing with one nipple with his tongue and caressing the other with his hand, for a good while, until I saw through the window that it was getting dark. I had to call a taxi so I wouldn’t get home late. I still feel everything very sensitive. It’s good but maddening. I guess that’s what wanting feels like. It has to be, because I can’t stop thinking about his mouth biting me.

October 5.

Diary! My first orgasm! No, we didn’t have sex. Just an orgasm. Well... several. Some over there with Teo and a few more here, alone in my room, while I’m writing to you. Let me tell you.

We were making out. I went straight to taking off my blouse, shameless already, and out of nowhere he stood up and took off his shirt, shoes, and pants. I got scared and laughed out loud, all at once. It was the first time I saw the bulge outlined under his boxers, standing up, obvious. I wanted to touch it and I didn’t dare. I let him keep caressing me.

This time he lowered the kisses to my stomach and I felt a heat rising to my face. My pants were more in the way than ever. He came back up and kissed my mouth. He asked me in my ear, softly, if I wanted to feel something more. I didn’t answer, but I didn’t push him away either. Then he slid his hand over the waistband of my pants and asked again, in a whisper:

—Can I?

I didn’t answer with words. I moved my hips to make room and his hand slipped in without fighting anything. I was soaked. His fingers sank into my lips as if they were made to go in there. Without realizing it, I was moving on my own, and he started making slow circles right on the spot. He kissed my mouth and I felt his fingers as if they were a thousand. I moved so they’d press harder.

He opened my pants just a little and slid two fingers in with maddening patience, pushing in and out, rubbing me inside and out at the same time. I was panting against his mouth, my legs tense, feeling how he parted the flesh with every movement. The wet sound was obscene and it made me more embarrassed than eager to stop. He held my waist with his other hand, as if he didn’t want to let me escape, and I dug my nails into his shoulders because I needed something to hold on to.

Every second was more, until suddenly something burst between my legs and shook me from head to toe. I don’t really remember what happened after that. I let it go through me. I don’t know how long it lasted. When I came back to myself, Teo was looking at me with a shameless face, not moving, as if waiting for an answer. I was still stunned. I asked him what the hell he had done to me.

—You’ve never masturbated? —he asked me, almost scandalized.

I told him no. He thought for a second. He started kissing the skin just above my navel and, almost without pause, moved down toward the fly of my pants with obvious intentions. I let him. I wanted to feel that again, that endless, wonderful thing. I ended up in my underwear and in the end that fell to the floor too. I felt embarrassed, but stronger than that was the need to come again. In the middle of the heat I only managed to say:

—I don’t want to get pregnant.

—Don’t worry —he answered.

He settled in beside me, kissed me on the mouth, and took my right hand. He guided it himself to my crotch and put it over me, open, so I could feel. It was really strange, but also the most natural thing in the world. I started rubbing myself the same way he had moved. In a few seconds I came again, harder than the first time. I had to rush to get dressed because it was way too late.

I got home, locked myself in my room, and before I could do anything else, I had to masturbate two more times to bring the anxiety down. Diary, what now? How do I make sure I don’t go without it? I think I’m going to have to masturbate again before I go to sleep.