The Afternoon I Discovered I Liked Women

Mariana was eighteen years old and lived with the certainty that the world was a place to be discovered. At university she was known for her easy laugh and for the number of people who orbited around her whenever she walked into any classroom. She studied communications, went out with her friends on weekends, and collected movies the way other people collected stamps. She could spend an entire Saturday watching old films without moving from the couch, eating potato chips straight from the bag and arguing about shots with whoever was unlucky enough to sit next to her.

Her cousin Renata was four years older and lived alone in a small apartment near downtown. They looked a lot alike: both were brunettes, both had dark eyes and that big mouth the family said came from their mother’s side. The difference was in the look in their eyes. Renata always looked as if she knew something everyone else didn’t.

—Come over Saturday afternoon —she had told her on the phone Tuesday—. I’ve got some movies you’ll be interested in.

—What movies?

—Surprise. If I tell you, it won’t be as fun.

Mariana arrived at her cousin’s apartment a little after four. She had chosen her clothes more carefully than usual, though she wouldn’t have known how to explain why. A tight black blouse that emphasized her breasts, a short light cotton skirt, low sandals. It was hot, and the skirt let the air slip up her legs as she walked from the bus stop.

Renata opened the door with a towel in her hand and her hair still wet.

—Come in. There’s cold lemonade inside.

The living room was dim. Renata had lowered the blinds, turned on the air conditioner, and left the TV paused with a black screen. On the little table were two glasses and an open bottle of white wine.

—Wine? It’s four in the afternoon.

—It’s Saturday. Sit down.

Mariana settled on the sofa. Renata brought the filled glasses, handed her one, and sat beside her, closer than usual. Their thighs almost touched. Mariana noticed it but said nothing.

—Well, what is this that has you so mysterious?

—You watch first, then we talk.

Renata pointed the remote and hit play.

The screen filled with the image of a naked woman on a bed. A man, also naked, was kissing her neck. The camera followed them without hurry, without prudish cuts. Mariana felt her face grow hot.

—Is that...?

—Yes. That’s it.

Mariana couldn’t look away. She had read about movies like that, had heard jokes at university, but she had never actually seen one. She was surprised it wasn’t vulgar. That the woman didn’t fake it. That the two bodies on screen moved with a rhythm that seemed honest, without exaggerated acting.

—How can she let them film her doing this? —she asked almost in a whisper.

—Some do it because they get paid. Others because they like it.

The scene changed. Now the woman was kneeling in front of the man. Mariana felt something tighten in her stomach as she watched what she was doing.

—It’s... I don’t understand how she can like that —she said.

—It’s delicious. Both ways. When you learn to do it well, you want to do it all the time.

—Did you do it?

—Several times.

Mariana turned her head and found Renata looking at her. Renata wasn’t watching the movie. She was watching her.

A new woman came into the scene. She joined the couple. Mariana focused on the screen again, feeling the conversation had brushed against a boundary she didn’t want to cross yet. The newcomer kissed the man, then kissed the other woman, and the other woman let herself be kissed. The camera lingered there, on that slow kiss between two women.

—That part is my favorite —Renata said softly.

Mariana didn’t answer. She realized she was breathing a little faster than before. She crossed her legs and noticed, ashamed, that the fabric of her panties had grown wet.

When she turned her head back toward her cousin, she lost her breath.

Renata had pulled down her shorts. She had her legs open and her hand between them. She was touching herself slowly, without hiding, her eyes fixed on Mariana.

—What are you doing? —Mariana heard herself ask the stupidest question in the world.

—What you want to do too.

Renata didn’t stop. Mariana didn’t look away. The blue light from the television outlined her cousin’s thigh, the shine of her fingers, the slow movement of her hand making its way through the wet folds of her pussy.

—Come here —Renata said.

Mariana shook her head, but didn’t move away.

—Take off your skirt. Nothing will happen that you don’t want to happen.

Renata’s hand came out from between her legs and settled on Mariana’s knee. It slid upward slowly, unhurried, giving her time. Mariana could have stopped her. She didn’t. When her cousin’s fingers reached the hem of the skirt and unfastened it, she herself lifted a little from the sofa so the garment could slide off.

***

Renata’s fingers slipped under her panties and brushed her skin. Mariana felt her heart rise into her throat. Renata didn’t enter her yet. She stayed there, stroking her pubic mound slowly, tracing the outline with her fingertips, slipping just one finger between the wet lips to find the most sensitive spot, as if she had all the time in the world.

—Easy —Renata said while with her other hand she unbuttoned the blouse—. Look at me.

Mariana looked at her. And then Renata leaned in and kissed her.

The kiss was nothing like the ones she knew. There was no awkwardness of rushed boys, no taste of beer, no beard scratching her skin. It was a soft, patient mouth that knew how to wait. Mariana let herself go. She felt her cousin’s tongue slide slowly into her mouth and was surprised to return the kiss with an urgency she hadn’t planned.

Renata took off her blouse. She unclasped her bra with one hand. Her mouth moved to Mariana’s neck, then to her breast. Mariana felt the soft teeth around her nipple and her breath caught. Renata sucked it calmly, licking in circles until it hardened, while with her other hand she pressed Mariana’s waist into the sofa so she couldn’t escape that delicious pressure.

—No one’s coming in here —Renata said against her skin—. Don’t be afraid.

Mariana wasn’t afraid. She felt something else. A mixture of shame and hunger she didn’t know how to name.

Renata pulled her panties down with calculated slowness. When Mariana was naked on the sofa, her cousin stepped back to look at her. She pulled her T-shirt over her head. She took off her bra. Mariana saw Renata’s breasts, smaller than hers but firm, with her nipples already standing. The difference between their two bodies made her feel even more exposed, as if there were no way left to pretend this was a joke or innocent curiosity.

—Lie back —Renata said.

Mariana settled onto the cushions. Renata climbed on top, one leg on each side, and kissed her again. Then she kissed her neck, her shoulders, the line between her breasts, her navel. She bit her hip with a softness that made Mariana tremble. And kept going lower.

—Wait —Mariana said when she understood where she was going.

—Trust me.

Renata spread her legs with both hands. Mariana closed her eyes and covered her face with a pillow. She didn’t want to see. And the very next second she felt her cousin’s tongue exactly where she had imagined a mouth might someday be a thousand times before. The first lick was slow, hot, insistent, and then came another, and another, sliding along the center of her vulva, gathering the moisture already soaking her pussy.

The pillow fell to the floor.

***

Renata knew what she was doing. Mariana couldn’t explain it, but she understood it with her body. Every movement seemed calculated, every pause deliberate. When she thought she couldn’t take any more, Renata eased up and let her breathe. When she thought she might lose interest, her cousin came back harder.

She felt the tips of Renata’s fingers caressing the entrance without going in, without pressing. She felt one finger brush her clit at the same time the tongue worked a little lower. She felt the two things combine until they stopped being two things and became one. Renata parted her lips with two fingers and licked her from top to bottom, shamelessly, drinking the wetness pouring out of her. Mariana arched, helpless, her hips rising on their own against that mouth that wouldn’t let her go.

There was a moment when she felt as if she were about to pee. She almost said so. Almost asked her to stop. But something told her no, to hold on, and she held on. Then the feeling passed and another began: a prickling that was born deep in her stomach and rose through her chest to her throat. She trembled. She felt the air leave her body. She cried out. She didn’t recognize herself in the cry.

Renata didn’t stop. Her tongue kept grazing her clit, slow and cruel, until the trembling grew stronger and her legs began to close around her cousin’s head. Renata grabbed her thighs to open them again and force her to take more, to stay there, naked, wet, with no defense but to moan.

When she opened her eyes, Renata was resting her head on her thigh, smiling at her.

—Well —Renata said—. That was that.

Mariana couldn’t speak. She laughed, not knowing why.

—Come here —she pulled her cousin by the arm and brought her close to her face.

She kissed her. She tasted on Renata’s mouth something that was hers and yet new. It didn’t disgust her. It made her want more. She ran a hand over her back, then down to her waist and found the warm wetness left between her legs, the slick trace of her fingers. She didn’t know whether she was more embarrassed to touch her or to want to touch her more.

—My turn now —she said, not quite sure what she was promising.

—Are you sure?

—Come here.

Mariana remembered something she had seen in the movie a little while earlier. She arranged Renata so she was mounted backward over her. When she felt her on top of her, with her legs on either side of her head, her courage trembled a little. But she was already there. And Renata smelled good. And Renata had her mouth between her legs again.

She did what she could, with her tongue and her fingers. She imitated what her cousin had done to her a minute before. She tried. She made mistakes. She tried again. She slipped first the tip of her tongue, then dragged it more firmly along the center of Renata’s pussy, opening her lips with her mouth and hand to find the clit better. Renata moaned against her and that told her what was working. When something especially pleased her, she dug her nails a little into Mariana’s thigh. Mariana started learning to read those signs like someone learning a new language.

Renata guided her head with her hands and asked for more pressure, slower, lower, while rubbing against her tongue with an impatience that no longer had anything elegant about it. Mariana felt her cousin’s body tense above her, her hips moving in little jolts, the warm flow wetting her mouth and chin. Then she worked up the nerve to slip two fingers inside her, slowly, and found the damp resistance of her entrance, the tight heat around her knuckles, the immediate trembling that ran through Renata’s whole belly. She heard her curse softly and knew she was doing well.

***

Renata came biting the inside of Mariana’s thigh. When it was over, she let herself fall to the side on the narrow sofa, both their breaths meeting in the same air.

—I’m not going to tell you that you learn fast —Renata said, still breathless.

—You didn’t take long to realize that this was what you wanted to show me either.

—No. I took quite a while to decide.

They stayed like that for a while, bodies pressed together, the television in the background with the movie no one was watching anymore. Mariana felt the sweat drying on her back. Renata was stroking her hair slowly, then ran her fingers over her chest, her belly, as if memorizing every place she had made her own minutes before.

—And now? —Mariana asked.

—Now nothing. Or whatever you want.

—Did you do it because of the movie?

—The movie was an excuse. I’d wanted to invite you for a long time and didn’t know how.

Mariana closed her eyes. She thought of her mother and Renata’s mother. Thought about what they would say if they knew. Thought they wouldn’t know. Thought that idea, instead of frightening her, lit her up again.

She turned toward her cousin and slid a leg over her hip.

—How much time do we have until someone comes back? —she asked.

—All night. My mom went to the country. I told her you were staying over.

Mariana smiled against her mouth.

—Smart girl.

She kissed her again. And she knew, without needing to tell anyone, that they were going to be able to repeat that afternoon many more times. In Renata’s apartment, at family birthdays when they would slip away to the bathroom, at the sleepovers of a lifetime that would now have a new meaning. No one would suspect anything from two cousins who got along so well.

The idea alone was enough to start over.