Masturbation

I told her I wanted to kiss her right there in the street, no matter who was watching. She threw off the sheets, began touching herself, and stared at me. The shopping could wait.

We had our last free days before the wedding. Naked at home, drinking mate, planning the ceremony, and reminding each other why we’d chosen one another.

I had the apartment to myself, candles lit, and a toy waiting in the drawer. The first time had failed; this time would be different.

We’d barely had two beers when Valeria took off her sandals and told me it was time to fix the fact that I hadn’t stepped on sand in years. That night I learned a lot of things.

That night I shaved, washed, and waited for Lucía, knowing exactly what I wanted. She arrived with her backpack, her red lollipop, and that smile that never faded, no matter what we did.

We’d spent weeks wanting each other, and that carnival night, with no condom and no bed, everything happened where we least expected it.

Ten years of widowhood and silence. Until one night I saw light under her door and went closer. What I found on the other side changed everything between us.

The air lifted my dress and I did nothing to stop it. I wanted to be seen. I needed to be seen, even if I didn’t quite know why.

I had been fantasizing about her for weeks, but the snowstorm and that couples’ motel finally broke down the barriers between us.

When Don Alberto looked at me that way for the first time, I knew something in me wasn’t what everyone thought. That afternoon confirmed it.

When she asked me to undress and climb onto the examination table, I knew something between us was going to break that could never be put back together.

I loved her more than I had ever loved anyone, but I couldn’t stop imagining another man inside her, moaning louder than she ever moaned for me.

When I took the glass jar out of my mother’s drawer, I already knew that afternoon I was going to cross a line I didn’t intend to come back from.

I was thirty-two and still had never let myself think about another woman without feeling ashamed. That night I turned off the light, breathed deeply, and stopped running.

When he confessed his fetish that night, I knew I could never look at him the same way again. I told him it would happen only once. We both knew that was a lie.

When I looked out the window of my new room and saw them naked in the pool, I knew that year would teach me far more than biochemistry.

It started like any other night in front of the screen, but when I hit send on that message, I knew there was no turning back.

I had only stopped by to say hello before going shopping. I never expected my lover’s son to show up in the bathroom with his phone in hand.

I closed my eyes on the wall and spread my legs a little farther. The wind did the rest. I knew they were watching me, and that was exactly what I wanted.

I’d promised myself a quick one before getting back to work. We came twice, with his taste still in my mouth when I went downstairs for coffee.