My Cousin and the Summers I Never Told Anyone About

My cousin Renata was blonde, with straight hair that fell to the middle of her back. Beautiful from every angle, with marked curves and a way of moving that seemed unaware of the effect she had. She had a clear gaze and full lips she bit when she was nervous. I had gotten used to not looking at her for too long, because when I did, it was hard to breathe normally again.

We came from different towns, but every summer we ended up at our grandmother’s house. We had just turned twenty, both of us, and long before that we had had that strange chemistry between us. Hand games that lasted a second too long. Trips to the pool where we brushed against each other as if by accident. And when they sent us out together to run errands, we would walk down the dirt road holding hands until the first house in the neighborhood came into view.

Grandma’s house was modest, with only a few rooms, so many nights we had to share a bed. We went to sleep in T-shirts and shorts because that was what they asked of us, but as soon as the lights went out all of that ended up on the floor. We slept wrapped around each other, pressed close, and I learned to memorize the heat of her back against my chest before I even knew what to do with it.

Summer in that town was long and slow. The afternoons stretched out until the sky turned orange and the air stayed hot long after sunset. I counted the hours until night, until the moment Grandma turned off the radio, the grown-ups drifted away one by one, and the house fell silent. Then Renata and I would seek each other out in the dark without needing to say anything, as if we had both been waiting for the same thing all day.

Renata was the one who discovered my body before I discovered hers. One dawn I woke up with my underwear damp, and shame flushed my face like a fever. But that same morning I opened my eyes and my hand was resting on one of her breasts, still, as if it had been there all night waiting for me to notice. Neither of us said a word. From that day on, the tension between us stopped being a game and became something else.

***

It was a siesta that changed everything. The heat was heavy and the whole house slept with the shutters half-closed. I was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling when I felt the mattress sink beside me. It was her. She had come barefoot, making no sound, and she stayed there looking at me from just a few inches away.

We didn’t talk. There was no need.

I reached out and slipped my hand under her T-shirt, slowly, feeling her skin rise in goose bumps beneath my fingers. She moved her bra aside so I could touch her with nothing in between, and I squeezed one breast fully in my palm, weighing it, feeling the hardened nipple press into my hand. We started kissing with our tongues shoved all the way in, a clumsy, slobbery kiss made of years of pent-up wanting. I kissed her as if I had to learn everything at once, biting her lip, sucking her tongue, while I pinched her nipples one after the other.

Her hand slid down my abdomen and into my pants. I felt her close around my cock and start moving it, slow at first, feeling out the thickness, squeezing me with her closed hand from top to bottom. Then with more confidence, faster, spitting into her palm so her hand would slide better against my skin. I pulled her shirt up to her neck and went after her tits, sucking one and then the other, swallowing her nipples whole, biting them until she arched her back. I pulled down her shorts and shoved two fingers into her cunt in one go. She was soaked. My fingers went in and out with a wet sound that made me even harder.

“Like that, keep going like that,” she whispered against my mouth, breathless, rocking her pelvis against my hand.

I rubbed her clit with my thumb while I kept fingering her, and she jerked me off harder and harder, her hand clenched as tight as it could go. I came in her hand all at once, with a jolt that made me bend over, shooting thick ropes of hot come that splattered her arm and the sheet. She kept stroking me slowly, squeezing every last drop out of me, while I kept working my fingers in her cunt until she caught her breath and clamped her wrist between her thighs, coming silently over my hand. Then we lay there for a while looking at each other, laughing softly, licking each other’s stained fingers, and we said goodbye with a kiss before the house woke up.

There’s no going back from this, I thought. And the idea, far from frightening me, pleased me.

***

That same night they sent us to take some things to an aunt’s house. We went quickly, almost running, not because we were obedient but because we knew the return trip belonged to us. On the way back we cut through a farm we knew by heart, between rows of trees where nobody would see us. We found a well-hidden corner and there, against the trunk of a walnut tree, we kissed again.

This time we didn’t want to stop. I yanked her T-shirt over her head and tore off her bra in one pull. I sucked her tits right there, hanging on her nipples, while she pulled my pants down and took out my cock, already rock-hard. She crouched without me saying anything and took the whole thing into her mouth. It was the first blowjob of my life and I nearly fell over. She sucked me down to the base, choking a little, bobbing her head up and down with both hands clenched around the root. She sucked my balls, licked the whole length of me with a flat tongue, and took me whole again. I looked down at her, kneeling in the dirt, lips stretched around me, and I was almost ready to come in her mouth right there.

I lifted her before I could come and laid her down on the grass. I ripped off her panties and spread her legs as wide as I could. I buried my face in her cunt without thinking, sucking her clit, licking inside her, learning in jerks what she liked by the way she writhed. She grabbed the back of my neck and pressed me against her, biting her hand so she wouldn’t cry out. When I felt her shaking all over, I settled between her legs with my heart pounding in my throat. It was the first time I had ever put it inside someone. I pushed slowly, her wet and opening little by little, and at first I did it wrong, too fast, until she whispered for me to be gentler.

“Slowly, cousin, slowly, let me get used to it.”

I listened. I came almost all the way out and went back in very slowly, watching her face, the way her mouth opened each time I filled her to the hilt. We found the rhythm together, clumsy and learning. I grabbed her hips and started fucking her for real, the grass pricking her back, her tits bouncing with every thrust. She dug her nails into my back, bit my neck, begged in my ear for me not to stop. I kissed her mouth so hard that when I felt myself about to finish I pulled out just in time and came across her stomach, thick spurts reaching all the way between her breasts. She ran her fingers through the semen and brought them to her mouth, looking at me.

We lay in the dirt for a while, listening to the crickets, without guilt. That night we slept spooned together, her body fitted against mine, until the sun came in.

The next day we woke up as if nothing had happened. No remorse, no fear, only more desire to stay close. We spent the whole day together as always, taking advantage of every moment when no one was looking to steal a kiss or a quick caress in the kitchen, in the yard, behind the shed door. At one point, when no one was paying attention, I ran into her in the hallway, pushed her against the wall, and slipped my hand under her shorts. She had no panties on. She smiled through clenched teeth while I ran two fingers through her wet cunt, and she walked away as if nothing had happened when we heard Grandma’s footsteps.

***

That night, with the lights already off and the others breathing deeply in their beds, we turned slowly to kiss. Then she turned her back to me, both of us naked, the way we always slept. She pressed her ass against me and I was already hard before I understood what was happening, my cock nestled between her cheeks, sliding along the crack of her ass. She moved the last garment she had left aside and guided me with her hand to her entrance. I only had to push a little to be inside her. She was soaking wet, as if she had been waiting for me all afternoon.

Because there were more people in the room, we couldn’t make noise. She moved only a little, undulating her hips in silence, impaling herself on me little by little. I slipped one arm under her and pinched her nipples, one and then the other, while my other hand moved down to her clit to circle it with the tip of my finger. I was learning as I went, feeling my way, attentive to every breath that caught in her throat. I bit the back of her neck, licked her ear, and kept driving into her from behind with short thrusts so the bed wouldn’t creak. She found my hand and took it to her mouth, sucking my fingers so she wouldn’t moan.

She pressed harder against me, more and more, clenching me inside with her cunt, and I felt her go completely wet and tremble from head to toe. A muffled moan slipped out of her, swallowed against the pillow. Only then did I realize she had come; these were things I still didn’t know how to read. She pulled me out with her hand dripping, turned under the sheets, and finished me off with quick strokes, her mouth pressed to my ear so nobody would hear us, until I came into her fist and she covered the tip with her palm so nothing would stain. Then she licked her hand in the dark, slowly, with a calm that made me hard again.

***

New day, new adventure. We went with a group of kids from the neighborhood to a beach club to spend the afternoon. It was one of those perfect days: warm water, laughter, the sun slowly sinking. We slipped away now and then to kiss behind the willows and returned to the group as if nothing had happened, always walking side by side. In the water we held hands underneath, where the current covered everything, and nobody suspected that those two cousins who played and laughed were hiding something like this. At one point I came up behind her in the water and pushed the bottom of her bikini aside, and put two fingers in her right there, with everyone only ten meters away. She bit her lip, leaning against my chest, barely moving her hips against my hand until I whispered in her ear that if she kept going she was going to come in front of everyone.

On the way back, as it was getting dark, we made up some excuse about going to our aunt’s place and slipped back into the farm. The night smelled of damp earth and jasmine, and the moon came through the branches, drawing patches of light over Renata’s skin. That time we stayed almost two hours. We did it three times, without rushing, speaking to each other in low voices like two lovers who don’t have to ask anyone for permission.

The first time she was on top, riding me slowly, her tits hanging in front of my face so I could suck them while she squeezed me with her cunt. She came like that, moving in circles, biting her fist so she wouldn’t scream, and I held her by the waist, feeling her convulse above me. The second time I put her on all fours against the trunk, holding onto the bark, and entered her from behind, fucking her hard, not caring about the sound of bodies crashing together. I pulled her hair, slapped her ass until it turned red, grabbed her throat with one hand while with the other I kept rubbing her clit. I came inside her for the first time, hot spurts that made her moan when she felt them, and I stayed buried in her for a while longer, feeling her tighten around me as she came again around my cock.

The third time was slow, her lying on my crumpled clothes, me on top, moving carefully, both of us looking into each other’s eyes. I took her hands and held them above her head, our fingers intertwined, going all the way in with every thrust. We came almost at the same time, her legs crossed behind my waist so I wouldn’t pull out, me leaving everything inside her again. Between one round and the next we would stay still, looking up at the sky, her fingers tangled in mine, laughing at how well we had become at lying. She would lick the come from the tip of me when I started getting hard again, and that would start another round.

They were two intense weeks, the kind that stay etched in you forever, until vacation ended and each of us had to go back to our own town. On the last morning we said goodbye in front of everyone with an embrace we had to cut short, and I got on the bus with a knot in my throat. Since we weren’t that far apart, we promised to visit each other as soon as we could.

***

Three weeks later I got the news that Renata was pregnant. We had never done anything to protect ourselves; we were young and thought we were invincible. It was a huge scare for both of us, and in the end things were resolved in a way neither of us fully chose. After that, it was hard to see each other again. More than three months passed before I could visit her, and that time we understood, without saying it outright, that what had happened could not go on.

We had one last goodbye meeting. Long, slow, loaded with everything we wouldn’t dare say. She undressed me slowly in the empty room, pushed me onto the bed, and climbed on top of me. She kissed my whole body, from top to bottom, biting my neck, sucking my nipples, sliding down my belly until she took me into her mouth. She sucked me like no one ever had, looking up at me from below, swallowing me to the throat, spitting saliva over the tip and taking me in again whole. She brought me to the edge three times and stopped me before I could come, squeezing the base with her fingers, smiling when I complained.

Then she sat on top of me and lowered herself onto me, taking me inside inch by inch until she had all of me. She fucked me slowly, looking into my eyes the whole time, not breaking contact for a second. I grabbed her tits with both hands and squeezed hard, and she kept moving over me, deeper and deeper each time, until the two of us started trembling. I came inside her one last time, with her pressed against my chest, biting my shoulder so she wouldn’t cry. Then she held me for a while without letting go, both of us sweating, still joined. We promised each other we would be all right. And for a while, we were, each in our own way.

***

Renata was my first love, even if I could never call it that in front of anyone. Over the years, once we were older, we had one or two stray encounters, the kind that seem accidental but that neither of us left to chance. Today we’re both over thirty, both married, each with a life of our own. And yet, every now and then, we still arrange to see each other in secret and share a coffee or a drink in some lost little bar where nobody knows us.

Nothing more ever happens than that. A long hug at the door when we say goodbye, one that lasts too long. Anyone who saw us would understand immediately what passes between us, even if we’ve never said it out loud. That we are two people who loved each other from the beginning and who, no matter how life pushed them in different directions, never quite let go of each other completely.