The Gaze That Appeared in That Vacant Lot at Midnight

I left the design conference at eleven thirty at night. The room was empty, and the corridors of the convention center, in the north of the city, looked like the set of a badly lit movie. I zipped my jacket up to my neck and walked toward the bus stop, counting bills in my head. I had eighty pesos, no more.

My last bus had gone half an hour earlier. The second-to-last one, if the driver remembered to come by, would arrive in forty minutes.

I sat at the bus stop with my dead cell phone in my pocket and my backpack clutched against my chest. I was wearing a gray sweatshirt, a black skirt that barely reached halfway down my thighs, and white sneakers that were no longer white. No stockings. My legs began to break out in gooseflesh.

Midnight passed.

At twelve ten, a dull green taxi came out of a side street and moved slowly, as if it had been looking for me. I stopped it with my hand. The window rolled down, and a thick, sweet smell hit me in the face. Marijuana. A lot of it.

—Where to, beautiful? —the driver asked.

I gave him the address. A neighborhood in the south, almost up on the hill. I showed him the crumpled bill I had in my pocket. Eighty pesos. Nothing more.

—That’s far. At this hour, four hundred fifty.

—I swear I’ll pay you when we get there. I’ll ask my uncle and come back down.

—No, beautiful. They’ve pulled that one on me five times this month. I’m not falling for it anymore.

I was about to turn away when he smiled at me, a little crookedly. He was about fifty, with a gray beard that looked as if it had been stuck on with wax and eyes red all the way to the back. He smelled of old smoke and cheap cologne.

—Get in. We’ll talk about it on the way.

Bad decision. Good decision. I still don’t know.

I got in.

***

The inside smelled of damp and weed. Without looking at me, he offered me the lit joint, holding it between two nicotine-stained fingers and extending it over the handbrake.

—So you can relax. You’re shaking.

I wasn’t shaking, but I took a long drag. I thought it would build trust. I thought a lot of stupid things that night.

The weed was strong. Stronger than any I’d tried at college parties. After two minutes, the lights of the Periférico looked to me like neon streaks melting across the windshield.

—Look, beautiful —the taxi driver said. His name was Rubén; I’d read it on the ID hanging from the rearview mirror—. I like you. I’ll take you for free if you help me with something along the way. I have to stop for gas and take care of something else, but it’s no big deal.

—Anything, as long as I get home —I said, laughing, feeling powerful for a second.

Whew. Anything.

Rubén let out a low laugh and shifted in his seat. He lowered his pants zipper without stopping the car. The road was almost empty. He pulled out his cock with one hand while holding the steering wheel with the other. It was already half-hard, thick, with prominent veins and a shiny bead of moisture at the tip.

—This is the problem, beautiful. Will you help me?

I told myself, without thinking too hard about it, that it was just a blowjob. Just a blowjob, and I’d save four hundred fifty. It wouldn’t be the first or the last.

I leaned over the gearshift and put it in my mouth. It was hot and hard, with a smell of tobacco and sweat that in another context would have disgusted me. At that moment, with the weed tickling the back of my neck, it even seemed sweet. I started slowly, sucking the head, circling my tongue around the rim, tasting the salty fluid already oozing out. Rubén grunted and sped up the taxi a little, as if the engine and his cock were working in sync.

—That’s it, beautiful. Take it all.

I opened my mouth as wide as I could and slowly swallowed it inch by inch. The tip touched the back of my throat and I gagged; my eyes filled with tears. I pulled it out, gasping, a strand of saliva hanging from my lip to the head. I spit on it, took it in my hand, and began jerking him off while sucking his balls, one first and then the other. They were hot and tight against his body, with a strong smell of sweaty man that was making me dizzy in a new way.

—Goddamn, little girl. You learned well.

I put it back in my mouth. This time I took it deep, helping myself with my hand at the base, moving my head quickly, letting my jaw swell with the effort. I felt the gearshift knock against my cheek every time he shifted into third. Each bump in the asphalt drove it another millimeter deeper into my throat, and I swallowed with effort, my cheeks hollowed, sucking hard and making my entire palate into a tight sleeve around him.

Rubén drove like that for another fifteen minutes. When we were on a long straightaway, he gripped the back of my neck with his left hand and forced me all the way down. His cock swelled even more, becoming rock-hard, and I felt the first hot jet slide down my throat before I realized what was happening. A second jet, then a third. Thick, warm, with a strong, salty taste of semen that filled my whole mouth. He made me swallow it all. He laughed silently as I did. I swallowed with difficulty, twice, and when he finally released my neck, two white threads remained at the corners of my lips.

—You’re good, beautiful. Did you learn from some rich daddy?

I didn’t answer him. I wiped the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand, sucked my fingers, and sat up. His cock hung outside his pants, shiny with saliva and semen, still half-hard. Empty fields passed by the window, the light poles growing farther and farther apart, and a red sign that read «Exit to Tepojaco — 8 km».

***

—I’m going to get gas —he said.

We stopped at a gas station with an Oxxo glowing like an aquarium. Rubén tucked his cock away without hurrying, got out, put in the nozzle, and went into the store. He took about ten minutes. He came out with two beers and a bag of chips. He held out a beer to me.

—Have a drink, beautiful. We’re almost there.

I drank. The beer was ice-cold and hit me like a clean slap. I could still taste his cum stuck to my palate, and the cold swallow washed it straight down into my stomach. We got back on the road. A few minutes later, Rubén turned onto a dirt road that wound between dry brush. There were no lights. Only the taxi’s headlights and, in the distance, another light that seemed to be stopped at the side of the road.

—I’m getting out to take a piss. Are you coming? If you can’t hold it, you’d better get out too. The truth is, I have to go as well.

I realized that I did need to. The beer, the weed, the nerves. I got out. I walked a little in the opposite direction from him, found some tall grass, pulled down my underwear, crouched, and let everything out in one warm stream onto the dirt.

When I looked up, two headlights went out about thirty meters away, on the same road.

Inside that car, a motionless shadow kept watching us.

***

I pulled my underwear up in a hurry. I came out of the grass and saw Rubén leaning against the hood of the taxi, his cock out and a stupid smile on his face. He was slowly jerking it, his hand closed around the base, already hard again, pointing toward the sky.

—So, beautiful. Are we fucking or what?

—No, Rubén. That wasn’t the deal. The blowjob and that’s it.

—Look. Either you spread your legs here, or I leave you. And believe me, ugly people come through here at two in the morning.

—Don’t bullshit me.

I turned toward the other car. Its lights were still off, but someone inside shifted in the driver’s seat. A small movement. The shape of a head.

—There’s someone there. In that car. He’s watching us.

Rubén didn’t even turn his head. His smile widened.

—Let him watch. Nobody knows you here, beautiful. And I don’t care if some bull jerks off watching us. On the contrary.

That sentence did something to me. Something strange.

My plan to fight fell away. My plan to run fell away. I felt heat in my stomach that wasn’t from the beer. It was something else. A tingling between my legs, a pulse in my pussy that was wetting my underwear without permission. I thought about the man in the shadow, about how little he could see from there and how much he would imagine.

—Take your clothes off —Rubén said—. Slowly. So the guy over there can get comfortable.

And I obeyed him.

I slipped the sweatshirt down over my shoulders, one side first and then the other. Then I pulled it off over my head. I left it on the warm hood of the taxi. I unhooked my bra and hung it from the side mirror. The May breeze immediately raised my nipples, making them hard as two little stones, pointing straight ahead.

I lowered my skirt to the ground and stepped on it so I wouldn’t lose it in the dirt. I left my underwear on. Rubén tore it off himself with one sharp tug. The fabric gave with a snap, and I stood completely naked beneath the headlights, my skin covered in gooseflesh and my pussy already soaked, shining between my thighs.

Thirty meters away, the other car’s headlights came on for a second and went out again. Like a blink. Like applause.

—They’re saying hello, beautiful —Rubén laughed—. Spread your legs first. Show the guy over there your pussy, so he knows what he’s missing.

I stood facing the other car. I spread my feet. I brought both hands to my pubis and opened my lips with two fingers, showing him everything. I felt the cold night air enter my wet interior. A spasm shook my belly.

—Put a finger inside —Rubén ordered behind me, jerking his cock—. Let him see how wet you are.

I pushed my middle finger all the way in. I was slippery, hot, tight. I pulled it out dripping with fluid and raised it toward the other car’s headlights, gleaming in the light. On the other side, an engine started for a second and then went silent. As if the man didn’t know what to do with what he was seeing.

—Turn around. Bend over the hood.

I bent over. I planted my palms on the hot metal. It burned my hands a little, but I didn’t care. I felt Rubén move in behind me, pull my buttocks apart with both hands, spit on my open pussy, and thrust his cock into me in one motion, all the way to the balls.

I screamed. Not from pleasure, not yet. From surprise. From the fact that it was happening. From the fact that I was letting it happen. I felt his entire cock inside me, thick, forcing me open, spreading me wide. It filled me completely. It touched places no one had touched in months.

He began to move slowly, as if he wanted the man over there to take in the rhythm. He pulled almost all the way out, leaving just the head at my entrance, then drove it back into me hard, wrenching a grunt from me with every thrust. The other car’s lights came on again, this time for good. They illuminated us at half power, as if they were a stage spotlight.

I could see my hands spread across the green hood of the taxi. My legs apart. My feet planted in the dirt. My tits hanging downward, bouncing with every blow, my nipples brushing the cold metal. Rubén’s shadow fused with mine into one deformed figure, fucking me from behind like an animal.

And behind us, perfectly still behind the windshield, was the other man.

I saw his elbow moving. A short, regular movement. I knew exactly what he was doing. He was jerking off while watching me get fucked. The thought opened my pussy even wider, and I felt a hot stream of fluid run down my inner thigh.

And then I did. Then I began to moan.

It wasn’t a fake moan. It was one that escaped from my stomach. As if the eye of that stranger were pulling something out of me that Rubén, with all his thrusting, hadn’t been able to draw out.

—That’s my girl —Rubén said, grabbing my hair. He pulled my head back so the other man could see my face—. Look straight ahead. Don’t lower your head. Let him see how much you like it.

I obeyed. I kept my eyes on the headlights. I imagined the man in the other car watching my open mouth, my taut neck, my breasts bouncing against the hood. I imagined his hard hand on his cock, his knuckles white, his rhythm growing clumsier. I imagined semen building up in his balls, waiting for the moment I came so he could come all over the seat.

—Faster, Rubén.

I said it. I did.

Rubén gave a little laugh and sped up. He gripped my hips with both hands and slammed me against the metal of the car harder and harder. I felt every blow travel up my back to my teeth. The sound of his balls slapping my pussy rang clearly in the silence of the vacant lot, a wet smack-smack that bounced off the brush. Every time he pulled out, his entire cock emerged smeared with my fluid, and every time he went back in, he tore a deeper, more animal moan from me.

—Pull it out and fuck my ass with two fingers —I begged, not recognizing my own voice—. Let the guy over there see everything.

Rubén laughed, delighted. He spat on his hand and ran two fingers over my tight asshole, pushing them in little by little. He put one in first, then the second, while continuing to fuck my pussy with his cock. He opened both holes at once, keeping me occupied from every angle. I trembled, my hands slipping on the hood from the sweat, my mouth open and drooling onto the green paint.

Thirty meters away, the man in the other car rolled down the window. I saw the reflection of a lighter. He lit a cigarette without taking his eyes off me. The orange tip was the only fixed point in all that darkness. His arm moved faster and faster, with more rhythm, and I imagined him with his cock out of his pants, his hand closed around it, jerking himself in time with Rubén’s thrusts.

That finished me.

I came with my fists clenched on the hood, with a long moan that didn’t sound like mine, a howl that escaped from my chest. My pussy clenched in waves around Rubén’s cock, squeezing it, sucking it inward. The fingers in my ass moved once more, and I felt a second, deeper spasm that made my knees buckle. I almost fell. Rubén held me by the waist and thrust twice more, deep, all the way in, before pulling out with a wet sound.

—Turn around, beautiful. On your knees.

I turned around, still trembling, and dropped to my knees in the dirt. Rubén stood in front of me, his cock dripping with my fluid, and began jerking it quickly, aiming it at my face. Three seconds later he grunted and shot the first jet onto my cheek, hot and thick. The second landed in my open mouth, the third on my tits. He covered my face with semen while I kept my gaze fixed on the orange tip of the cigarette thirty meters away, obedient.

—Look straight ahead —Rubén repeated, panting—. Say hello.

I raised one limp hand without thinking, my face smeared with cum dripping from my chin onto my tits. The orange tip of the cigarette moved, as if returning my greeting. Then a short, muffled grunt came from the other car, one I recognized perfectly. The man was coming too. On the steering wheel, on the seat, on the lowered window. On whatever happened to be there.

Afterward, the other car’s headlights went out again. This time for good. I heard no engine, no door. When I straightened up from the hood and looked over there, thirty meters away, the car was still there, dark. But it wasn’t moving. As if whoever was inside had entered another kind of stillness.

***

Rubén handed me my sweatshirt, my skirt, and my bra. He tied a knot in my torn underwear and stuffed it into the back pocket of his jeans.

—This stays with me —he said—. In case you ever want another free ride. You know how it is.

I got into the taxi without arguing, my face still sticky and my pussy dripping down my thigh. I let him light another joint while he got back on the road. We didn’t speak for the rest of the journey. I watched the light poles pass by the window and felt the cold seat against the bare skin beneath my skirt, the semen drying between my thighs, the warm stain spreading across the upholstery.

All the way, I thought about the man with the cigarette.

I wondered whether he was a taxi driver like Rubén, an accomplice waiting there, or just some random stranger who had stumbled upon the gift of his life. The second possibility made me hotter. Much hotter. I slipped a hand under my skirt in the back seat and touched my swollen pussy. It was still open, still wet, still throbbing. I rubbed my clitoris slowly, eyes closed, imagining the stranger arriving home with his clothes stained by his own cum and unable to forget my face.

We reached my neighborhood at two twenty. Rubén dropped me off a block from my house without saying anything. I tapped the hood with my knuckles; I don’t know why. As if it were my taxi and not his.

***

That same night, before getting into bed, I opened my diary. I hadn’t written anything in months. I wrote down the date, the time, the smell of marijuana, the footprint of my skirt on the dirt, the orange tip of the cigarette thirty meters away.

Above all, I wrote down that sensation. That new thing.

Before that night, whenever someone looked at me in the street, I lowered my eyes and quickened my pace. After that night, I began to hold their gaze. Sometimes, on the subway, I realized I was deliberately sitting with my legs apart, calculating the angle, letting the old man in the seat across from me see my white underwear between my thighs. Other times, I would settle beside the bus window so the man in the car next to me could see me slip my hand beneath my skirt and rub my pussy until I came, biting my lip while the traffic light took its time changing.

I never took another taxi with Rubén. But I spent many nights wondering whether I would ever again leave a conference at some stupid hour, with eighty pesos in my pocket and a bus that never showed up.

And above all, wondering whether the man with the cigarette was still out there somewhere, parked in some vacant lot, waiting for another show.

Sometimes, when I drive at night along the Periférico and see a pair of headlights switched off beside the road, I slow down.

Just in case.