The Day We Humiliated the House Macho

—Are you feeling better yet? —Carla asked, looking at her younger sister over her plate.

—A bit. I’ve had a horrible morning. Periods are the worst thing ever —Noelia complained, sinking into her chair with a sigh.

Just then, Diego came into the dining room. He was twenty-two, two years older than Carla and four older than Noelia, and he carried an arrogance the two of them knew by heart. He had overheard the end of the conversation and was already wearing that grin, that smirk of superiority he always pulled out whenever he could feel above them.

—So being a woman is the worst thing ever, huh? —he said, gloating.

—I said period. Being a woman is still better than being a man, that doesn’t change —Noelia replied without even looking at him.

The two sisters were more than used to his comments. No matter how many times they had shown him that being a man didn’t make him superior to anyone, Diego still clung to his little imaginary kingdom.

—Sure, better than having it hurt down there every month —he shot back, flopping into a chair with no enthusiasm.

But as he sat down he let out a groan. A very specific groan, one his sisters had heard dozens of times over the years. They looked at him and found on his face an expression they knew well too: the look of someone who has just crushed the most delicate part of his body against the seat.

—What’s wrong, did you sit on your balls? —Carla asked, watching her brother go pale and start sweating.

—Right on the money —Noelia said, letting out a giggle. —That’s the face of someone who’s mashed his nuts.

—Serves you right for laughing at periods. Pure karma —Carla added, slapping palms with her sister.

They weren’t wrong. Diego had dropped himself heavily onto the softest, most vulnerable part of his anatomy, and the pain rose through his gut like a hot coal. Worst of all was that it had happened in front of them. He held out for a few seconds, but the burn was too intense, so he finally gave in and clutched his groin with both hands, unable to suppress another moan.

—That’s what I meant! Having balls is the real tragedy —Noelia said, dying of laughter.

If he had been alone, Diego would have thrown himself to the floor and writhed to his heart’s content. But doing that in front of them would have just added another anecdote to his long list of humiliations. And the list was long.

Since they were little, Carla and Noelia had turned their brother’s groin shots into something of a house sport. They wouldn’t have gone that far if he hadn’t always taken it so personally, but from the very first time he couldn’t stand that two smaller girls had brought him down and he hadn’t been able to hit back. They noticed, and squeezed that weakness —physical and mental alike— for every last bit it was worth.

Usually they took him down with light touches, almost symbolic, the kind that wouldn’t even have been noticed on a woman. They did it that way so as not to invite punishment from their mother, but also because they were fascinated by the idea of knocking an adult man out of commission with minimum effort. Every so often, though, they hit hard, just to see how far male fragility went.

There had been one time, years earlier, when a very small Noelia had caught him on all fours looking for something under the bed and kicked him from behind. That day he ended up in hospital, because the pain didn’t go away even after several hours, and there they discovered he had a problem that required surgery. It was never fully clear whether the kick was the cause, but the sisters loved repeating, between fits of laughter, that “Noelia turned one of his balls inside out with a single hit.”

***

Back in the present, the pain began to ease after a few humiliating minutes. Diego promised himself for the umpteenth time that he would stop wearing underwear so loose; his testicles hung lower every day, and it was not the first time that had worked against him in front of his sisters.

He remembered the fight in which Carla had grabbed them in the middle of the struggle, the two of them tangled on the floor. He had surrendered instantly, terrified, but she squeezed until she almost made him lose consciousness, laughing with Noelia. The helplessness of that moment nearly hurt more than the squeeze itself.

—One of these days I’m going to beat you both so badly you’ll spend a month in hospital —he blurted, trying to recover some dignity.

—Ooh, how scary! The big macho is going to hit us. Run, Noelia, before the man of the house gets angry —Carla mocked.

—The only one who’s ending up in hospital is you, the day we finally hit you with all our strength. Oh, wait, that already happened and they had to operate on you —Noelia finished, cracking up.

Sick of their laughter, Diego got up without finishing his meal. The movement reminded him that his testicles still hadn’t recovered properly.

—Aren’t you clearing your plate? —Carla asked when she saw him leave it on the table.

—That’s women’s work —he replied, giving her a threatening smile as he walked away.

He would have done better to watch the younger one. As he passed Noelia, his sister’s hand rose with a quick, precise wrist movement. She didn’t strike him with her palm, but with the inner edge of her hand, so that her index finger dug straight into the center, parting the testicles and slipping between them.

Diego didn’t realize until he felt the contact. His smile turned into a strangled groan and his torso folded forward suddenly.

—Oops, sorry! I was just craving egg custard for dessert —Noelia said, now at the same height as her brother’s face.

He dropped to his knees with an expression more of terror than pain, letting out short, rapid gasps, without reaching for his groin like he usually did. It was a reaction unlike any before.

When he finally grabbed himself over his pants, the pain shot up so violently that he fell flat onto the floor with a cry.

—What did you do to him, did you burst one? —Carla asked, puzzled.

The two of them watched in amazement as their brother shoved his hands inside his tracksuit bottoms and groped himself again without stopping his screams.

—Hey, that’s ugly, touching yourself in public —Noelia said from her chair, pretending to be scandalized.

Direct contact only made things worse. Diego pulled his hands away and started rolling around on the floor, kicking at the air, desperate, unable to get hold of testicles that burned like never before. Carla and Noelia looked at each other and, after a couple of seconds of bewilderment, burst out laughing.

—It was only a little tap, don’t be pathetic —Noelia laughed.

But Diego couldn’t even speak. He was living through the worst pain of his life, and what little he had managed to feel had filled him with panic. The sensation grew by the second, and soon he found himself crying in front of them as well as shouting.

He was horribly ashamed to strip in front of two women, but fear was far stronger than modesty. Without thinking, he pulled down his pants and underwear. He needed to see what the hell was going on down there.

The two of them were left speechless. First at the shock of seeing him strip like that, flat on his back with his legs spread. Then because of what they saw: the testicles in an impossible position, both horizontal, as if the back side were now facing forward.

—Did I do that to you, with this? —Noelia asked, repeating the strike in the air with her finger.

Her index finger, slipping between them, had twisted them inward, causing a torsion in both at once. A double torsion that turned his groin into a knot of pain impossible to describe.

—Heeelp! —he begged, looking at them with tears in his eyes, not understanding anything.

***

The plea snapped them out of their shock and they started laughing again.

—Brother, it’s clear that having your balls “well placed” doesn’t have anything to do with you —Carla said.

What pained Diego most was that his sisters didn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of what was happening. He could only roll around on the floor looking for a position that would give him some relief. But lying on his side, or on all fours letting them hang with all their weight, only made it worse. He had to turn onto his back again, pounding the floor with his hands while he kept crying.

—Look at him, he looks like a giant baby —Carla observed, with Noelia beside her.

A wave of nausea rose in Diego that nearly made him vomit. He couldn’t believe that pain like this could affect the whole body in that way.

—Please, it hurts so much! —he pleaded.

His sisters’ only help was to finish taking off his pants so he could kick to his heart’s content. They left him half naked just in time to watch him turn and vomit to one side.

—This just keeps getting better and better —Noelia commented.

Carla sighed.

—All right. I don’t understand how a little tap has wrecked you like this, but it’s obvious you really need help. I’m going to get Lorena, the neighbor; she’s almost finished with medical school. You don’t move. Noelia, clean up the vomit.

Diego was not at all happy about another woman seeing him like that, least of all Lorena, a twenty-six-year-old student who could stop traffic. But fear was so great that at that moment he would have accepted being treated in the middle of the street.

What he also didn’t expect was for Lorena to show up with her sister Valeria, who was his classmate at university. As soon as she heard the explanation, Valeria said she was not missing this for anything in the world, and Carla raised no objection.

Valeria and Diego were not exactly on good terms. They had had more than one serious row, and on one occasion he had shoved her hard to shut her up. Since that day, every time she saw him, she regretted not having returned the gesture as he deserved.

When Valeria entered the house, Diego was no longer convulsing, but they were greeted by him on his back, screaming and inadvertently putting on a pitiful display. The scene was far beyond what she had imagined, and a satisfaction that was hard to hide ran through her.

—Did your little sister do that to you? —she greeted him with a huge smile.

—Heeelp! —he answered, though in fact he was speaking to Lorena, who was already kneeling between his trembling legs.

—Easy, I’m going to help you —she said, looking at the mess with an expression of horror.

—It hurts, it’s unbearable! —he cried, and for the first time his sisters felt something like secondhand embarrassment.

—It’s testicular torsion —Lorena explained. —What’s weird is that it happened in both at once. Usually it’s just one.

—And that’s why he’s like this? —Noelia asked. —It hurts that much?

—Along with a fracture, torsion is the most intense pain a man can feel. And in his case it’s double, because it happened in both.

—I’m glad he’s suffering, the idiot —Valeria said without blinking.

—This is serious, girls. If it isn’t fixed quickly, he could lose them. When it happens in one, it’s already serious; in his case he could end up losing both.

—Seriously? —Carla and Noelia asked almost at the same time.

—That’s how delicate they are. That’s why they should never be hit —Lorena scolded them.

Diego, who was crying and trying not to make much noise, let all his anguish out when he heard he could lose them. What made him feel like a man, stronger than his sisters, could not be this ridiculously fragile. And yet there was the proof.

—Do something, please, I don’t want to lose them! —he begged.

—He needs emergency surgery. I’ll take him to the hospital myself, but I can try to untwist them with my hands. If it works, you’ll feel relief instantly.

—Do it, I can’t take this anymore!

Lorena wasted no time. She took one between the fingers of both hands, with all possible care, but the scream he let out forced her to ask the sisters to hold his arms down. She tried to put it back in place and make it rotate on its axis. The pain multiplied so violently that Diego immediately regretted asking her. He wanted to tell her to stop, but all he could do was scream and kick.

As soon as Lorena let go, the testicle twisted itself back again.

—Stop… —he managed to babble.

—I’m going to try the other one, hold on —she replied.

—Hold on like a man, brother. With two balls, even if they’re twisted —Carla told him, pinning one arm to the floor.

—How does it feel to lose your balls from a little blow from your younger sister? I hope this helps you stop thinking you’re better than us —Noelia added, holding the other.

Diego didn’t answer. He was too busy screaming while Lorena twisted the second one between her fingers. The pain again exceeded every limit, and the boy started convulsing on the verge of fainting, until she gave up.

—I’m sorry, they’re too twisted. We have to get him there now. I’m going for the car; you girls get him out into the street.

***

Lorena ran off. The other three were about to carry him when a doubt arose.

—Do we dress him? —Noelia asked.

—Lorena didn’t say anything —Carla replied quickly.

The three of them burst out laughing at the idea of him naked in the middle of the street, with all the neighbors watching. Diego imagined it too, only for him it wasn’t funny at all: he’d be the laughingstock of the neighborhood for years.

Valeria told them to grab him by the arms while she held his legs, positioning herself between them as if pushing a wheelbarrow. She had to make a huge effort to suppress the urge to finish him off with a kick.

They went out into the street carrying him aloft, naked, them laughing and him crying. Lorena still hadn’t arrived with the car, but a group of four friends did happen to pass by and were left speechless at the scene. Two of them felt sorry for him; the other two joined the laughter without hesitation.

Diego could not believe this was happening to him. What had seemed like an ordinary day had turned into a nightmare that would change his life, whether he lost what he had between his legs or not.

And then Valeria, who was holding him by the ankles, saw her sister’s car coming and it was clear to her: she couldn’t let this opportunity pass.

—Hey, look me in the eyes —she told him. —Remember the shove you gave me?

Without breaking eye contact, before he could open his mouth to beg for mercy, she unleashed a kick with all her strength right at that area that, twisted and exposed, was at the perfect height. The blow was so brutal that nothing else was needed to settle the argument once and for all.

—OOOH! —the sisters and the newcomers exclaimed at the same time.

—We’re even now —Valeria said with a relieved tone, like someone finally pulling out a thorn that had been stuck for a long time.

—Hey, look, brother, they’ve gone back into place! That kick really worked —Noelia celebrated, and since she no longer saw them horizontal, she thought they had gone back where they belonged.

Diego looked at her for a second, and from the expression on his face Noelia finally understood what had happened.

—If that was your solution... then yes, it worked —Carla confirmed, amused. —Too bad, we’ve lost our favorite toy.

The three of them looked at one another, and the same thought ran through them: thank God they had been born women and did not belong to that sex that boasted so much and endured so little.

—Game over —Noelia said with a smile, while in the distance Lorena braked the car by the curb and ran over, too late.