Desire

I turned the toy on random before leaving the office. Twenty floors, a subway ride, and a park stood between me and home. I hadn’t calculated how much I could take.

The moans through the wall left me dripping, so I decided to wake my man in the dirtiest way I knew.

I lowered the controller and held my breath: on the other side of the wall, her moans were rising, and my hand was already inside my pants.

When the beach was nearly empty, her hand slid down my stomach, and I realized that last swim wouldn’t end as an innocent game.

I heard the moans as I passed through the hall. The door was ajar, and I couldn’t look away. Nor could I stay still.

Every night I listened to her moan with other men; when she finally looked at me differently in the hallway, I knew I would be next.

When Mateo sat me between him and his friend Iván, and both hands began sliding up my thighs at once, I knew the invitation to the bar was something else.

The moment I opened the door, I kissed her hungrily. She trembled and called it crazy, but followed me upstairs without letting go of my hand.

The air conditioning was broken, and the sweat was showing through my blouse. When I looked up, he was already staring at me in the rearview mirror.

I lowered the blinds, looked at myself naked in the mirror, and took a deep breath. I had never touched myself, but that afternoon I had one plan: to discover my body.

I closed the office door trembling; when she told me to take off my clothes, I knew she hadn’t forgotten anything about last time.

I thought we’d only sleep on the sofa, but his hand found mine in the darkness, and neither of us wanted to pretend nothing was happening anymore.

I entered the room convinced it would be a quick fuck for revenge. I left at dawn without remembering my own name.

When I saw his message before entering the parking garage, I knew I wouldn’t be going home with trembling legs just from driving.

When she began telling me what she did behind closed doors with an adult member of her family, I knew I couldn’t listen without getting turned on.

I woke up soaking wet, unsure whether the man who had held me in my dream was a colleague, a stranger, or pure imagination. It didn’t matter.

I closed the apartment door, leaned against the wood, and knew I’d be awake for a long time. I needed to touch myself and wanted to take my time.

I asked her to arrive naked at the pool and left the door unlocked. Ten minutes later, I watched her cross the patio, her red hair shining in the pool light.

I thought grief had extinguished me forever, until one night someone looked at me as if there were still something alive inside me.

The moment we closed the door, she dropped her purse, looked at me hungrily, and I knew there was no turning back.