First Time

I’d spent weeks wearing lingerie under my clothes, but that night, alone in the house, I decided to become completely the woman he wanted to see.

The bathroom mirror was directly across from the bunk beds. That night I found out why my roommate had moved it without saying a word.

I dialed the number with a trembling hand. A South American voice told me to go up to the third floor, that it wouldn’t hurt, that tonight I’d learn to ask for more.

The box had been in the back of the wardrobe for years. I put on the first disc, never imagining what I would see that afternoon would stay with me forever.

I peeked without thinking and saw the three of them bathing naked in the neighbor’s pool. That same night I understood that watching from hiding could also be a way of touching.

I had never touched myself. But that night, with the phone screen lighting my face, my fingers went down on their own and I didn’t want them to stop.

It took two days to arrive, and for those two days I could think of nothing else. When I finally opened the box, I knew that night I was going to know myself in a new way.

I locked the door, took a deep breath, and told myself that afternoon I was finally going to find out what my body could do when no one was watching.

When she shut the door, she told me I wasn’t enough of a man. I never imagined that same night I’d stop being one forever—and that it would be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I promised myself I’d never miss him again. So why is my hand between my legs tonight, with his name stuck in my throat?

She had never been with someone fifteen years older. That night, in the hotel room, she discovered that intelligence can be seductive too.

When the scarf covered my eyes I thought it was an innocent game. It wasn’t. Mariela had other plans, and I didn’t want her to stop.

I warned her that if I didn’t like it, I’d let her out at the next corner. She smiled, reclined my seat, and told me to close my eyes for a second.

When she sat on my couch with smeared mascara and a trembling voice, I knew a whiskey and a few comforting words wouldn’t be enough.

My roommate was asleep when he knocked with a bouquet of freesias. I opened the door in a sweater and barefoot. That night I promised myself I’d never let another man into my bed.

The first customer asked for something that wasn’t in my contract. When I got back to the room, Salvador was breathing like he’d been awake for hours.

What started as a stupid afternoon on his sofa ended with me kneeling between his legs, discovering that some favors can’t be returned.

We started talking by messages. We ended up seeing each other naked under the same red moon, each in our own city, each with the other’s breath on the screen.

I got into the car with my heart in my mouth and told him, almost without thinking, that I finally understood what a woman feels when she’s on her way to give herself up.