Fantasies

The box had been closed at the back of the wardrobe for months. I opened it out of curiosity and, an hour later, I had my phone recording everything my body could feel.

I promised myself I wouldn’t give up until I made it happen. What I didn’t know was how long my body would take to give me what I’d been begging it for all night.

I lay down naked thinking I only wanted to sleep. Three hours later, I was still discovering how much pleasure I could give myself.

It was two in the morning when a video planted the idea in my head. Days later I was walking through the supermarket with a secret buzzing between my legs.

I closed the bathroom door, turned on the tap, and promised myself I’d be quick. Lie. That night I discovered how far I was willing to go with myself.

We had grown up sleeping in adjoining rooms, until one night a sound on the other side of the wall made me understand that I no longer saw her as a sister.

I never liked stuffed animals as gifts. Until the weekend I was home alone and realized what the one my ex left me was really for.

I locked the door and turned on the laptop, letting my imagination finish what a stranger had started in the crush of the platform.

I only meant to rest on the table for a while. I never imagined I’d end up with my hand inside my clothes, biting my lip so no one in the hallway could hear me.

I closed the laptop, stepped under the water without thinking about anything, and when the sponge brushed my breasts, I knew that shower wasn’t going to be like the others.

I had never touched myself. But that night, with the phone screen lighting my face, my fingers went down on their own and I didn’t want them to stop.

She knew she was alone in the flat. So when she took down the black box her friends had given her, she was no longer thinking about the notes waiting on the desk.

That morning she thought she was alone. I shut my office door, asked not to be disturbed, and opened the app just as she walked into the bedroom.

When her friend was asleep on the sofa, Vera challenged me to show myself and touch myself for her. I couldn’t refuse.

I get home, strip naked on the couch, and lose count. It’s my routine, my secret, the only thing I truly need at the end of the day.

I lowered the blinds, turned off my phone, and for once I stopped thinking about what was right. I just followed what my body had wanted for weeks.

I was alone, the heat was unbearable, and lukewarm water was running over my skin. Then I got an idea I’d been imagining for months and had never had the nerve to try.

I got there forty minutes early, turned off the engine in the underground garage, and then the smell of that dawn came rushing back to me like a current.

I turned on the vibrator, opened the bingo game and promised myself a rule for every ball. What happened next took me weeks to tell anyone.

I never thought watching a stranger touch herself at dawn would ignite such a strong desire in me that I’d end up in a park that same night, losing all shame.